Tuesday

Being vs Nothingness


This looks sad but it's not really. I went out the other day - I drove around listening to music and ended up on a mountain. There were creeks and animals and so many pretty sights. I stopped at small houses along the way that had been converted into cafes and antique stores, and afterwards I headed back towards the beach. I sat there with my thoughts and my books. I realised how much I like my own company and just doing the things that make sense to me (but not necessarily anyone else). As I thought this, I noticed two other loners on the beach. There was an older lady who walked to the water and watched it creep towards her feet, and an old man who walked out onto the rocks and just stared out at the sea for a while. It felt like we were all being drawn there together. I felt awake and connected to life, and it hurt to feel everything so intensely. A couple of tears leaked out before I realised that I had to do something with my emotions. So I drew in the sand and it helped me center myself again. It sort of tamed all the wildness into something my brain could work with.

Thursday

Refresh [Reverted old posts to drafts.]

Because sometimes it feels really good to start again.

//I'm fond of the idea of generating weightlessness. Fresh starts - the kind that come at New Years or your birthday - are liberating because of the weightlessness they permit. You get to forget yourself a little, by imagining yourself as someone new (i.e. the person you would like to become). Your future-self is a stranger really - they dress differently, behave differently - and in reflection I can personally see that the Kathryn I was 6 or 12 years ago is indeed very different to me, myself as I exist today (on a side note this has happened physically too as most of my cells have naturally been replaced... except for the ones in my brain which, really, is what the point of this rambling entry is about and you might get what I mean with that by the end). So. You think about your new ideal self and at this stage your history doesn't tend to factor into the equation as a limit. You're not engaged in a process of trend forecasting (or trying to figure out what you might become based on your preexisting history) - it's pure imagination here instead. And that's so great. And so much smarter. Because you don't know what might affect you in the future and change your nature, regardless of how accurately you might have predicted the life trajectory of your more limit-bound future-self. This leads me to saying that rationalisation is dull and ineffective with respect to a human life.Your brain can hold you back when you think about yourself in context.

But fresh starts. They're where it's at. Weightlessness. It makes sense to me.//

So. I have free time again. At least 3 months away from full time engagement with uni. I don't know what I'll document here now - things have changed - but I will be around.